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Common Relationship Mistakes

All relationships go through rocky patches, but experience suggests that certain issues crop up time and time again. Relationship expert and psychotherapist Christine Webber explains the most common pitfalls and how to avoid them.

1. Irritations that get out of control

Why is it that women feel irritated if a man leaves the toilet seat up, and men get furious if a woman can’t read a map or leaves the newspaper less than pristine when she’s finished with it?
In a good relationship, these things are so trivial and peripheral to everything that matters that they’re far better ignored.
Try saying: ‘I am so lucky to have this relationship. This is a minor irritation.’

2. Lack of conversation and discussion

People often complain that they no longer seem to talk to their partners. But if you get out of the habit of discussing things with your spouse, you’ll end up like those couples in restaurants who have nothing to say to each other except, ‘this trout is very nice’.
Watch the news together. Read the papers and then discuss. Save up bits of gossip or information that you can talk about together. One of the greatest joys in a good relationship is verbal communication. Don’t lose it.

3. Late-night arguments

Lots of couples fear their relationship is in danger when they find themselves arguing at the end of a busy day. This is dangerous territory because when we’re tired, overwrought or just a bit boozed, we tend to say things we regret – and the ensuing row is rarely productive.
Have a curfew of 9pm. If either of you raises anything contentious after that, agree you will come back to the subject in the morning. Often it doesn’t seem that important in the cold and sober light of day.

4. Possessive mothers

Mothers of either partner can ruin a relationship - if they’re allowed to. If you don’t nip this kind of possessiveness in the bud early on, it can spell disaster for the relationship.
Couples need to tackle this together. You both need to agree on how much contact you are going to have with your parents and then stick to it.
If one of your mothers keeps phoning or dropping in, then her offspring needs to calmly stop this. One way is to give her a date two weeks away when she is invited to dinner, but also to say that you won’t be seeing her in the meantime because you’re too busy.

5. Lack of romance

When we are first together as couples, we tend to be romantic. We ring up just to say ‘I love you’. We leave notes for each other to find. Unfortunately, real life can get in the way of romance, and we can find that we’ve lost the romantic habit without even realizing it.
Always kiss your partner before leaving the house. Hold hands when you watch television. Give each other compliments. Make sure you get out for a ‘date’ once a week - even if you have children and have to get a babysitter. An evening to yourselves where you ban all talk of the kids can work wonders.

6. Sex has become routine

Busy people tend to ‘do’ sex the same way because it’s quick and it works. This can lead to boring sex. To spice up your love life, take it in turns to decide on a ‘menu’ of love. That way, each of you will be getting more of what you want, and it should build some creativity and inventiveness into the process.
Try reading each other erotic stories in bed. Buy a few sex toys or a luxurious lube. Talk about your fantasies and try a new position. Above all, make time for sex so it’s not just an afterthought last thing at night.

7. Different attitudes to money

Sex and religion used to be the most difficult subjects for couples to tackle. Now, it seems to be money. So have a big ‘money conversation’ early on in a relationship to establish how various expenditures are going to be met.
Once you live together, it helps to have a joint account for all big outgoings like mortgages. But keep personal accounts so that what’s left after household expenses is yours to spend as you wish.
Talk about financial anxieties or irritations before they become major problems and they will be less likely to damage your relationship.

8. Lack of effort

Think back to how you used to act when you were first dating - how long it took you to get ready and what you wore.
You may realize that the two of you rarely dress up for each other or make much of an effort with appearance. This can lead to problems because it can indicate a loss of respect between the two of you.
If you are getting to the stage where you spend your time together in slob by tracksuit bottoms, make a pact that you will both smarten yourselves up. Use photos from the start of your relationship as inspiration.

9. Infidelity

If one of you has an affair, your relationship will need some serious re-building. All sorts of serious feelings of rejection and betrayal tend to emerge as a result, and getting over these can take a while.
It helps if both partners recognize that there may have been faults on both sides before the infidelity.

10. Jealousy

If one partner is a jealous and possessive person, this can make things very difficult. Assuming there is no cause for the behavior, such as infidelity, the jealous person really needs to get help to deal with the inner insecurity and lack of self-esteem that are causing the problem.

11. Forgetting to say thank you

Relationships suffer when couples don’t show each other enough gratitude. Often, couples get in the habit of taking kindnesses for granted. It’s good manners to thank your partner for picking you up from work or for bringing you a cup of tea when you’re tired. Saying ‘thank you’ increases respect between couples, and this is a vital component in any relationship.

12. Not doing enough as a couple

When you were first together, you probably lay around on Saturdays watching football on TV, shopped as a couple and went on lots of dates. But after a while, you may find that work and children get in the way of the two of you doing stuff together.
Companionship is one of the great bonuses of a good relationship. Try to organise things so you have time to do some activities as a couple. Take up a new hobby together like dancing or tennis that you will do at least once a week.

13. Unreasonable expectations

This is when parties in a relationship set standards that are too rigid or almost impossible for their partners to follow. A no-compromise attitude only leads to disappointment and resentment for both.

14. Lack of appreciation

During the first few stages of a relationship, couples tend to focus on their partners’ good points. As time goes on, they begin to see the less-than-stellar qualities of their companions. Unfortunately, there is a tendency to fixate on each others faults instead of looking for solutions on how to overcome them — or simply appreciating them as part of their partner’s personality, especially if those imperfections are quite harmless.
Also, as a relationship grows older, couples tend to forget to remind each other how wonderful they are. It’s easy to point out each others shortcomings or even take notice of them in jest, while each others positive qualities become ignored.
Telling each other what makes them great and special can help strengthen closeness and a sense of well-being between partners.